by Nicholas Kula 

Sega has always had a reputation for being the first out of the gate with technology that’s obsolete before half its lifespan is over. Their long list of “we’re first” forays into the home video game industry has been earmarked by their series of failed consoles; Sega released the master system in the early ’80s only to have it answered—and subsequently torn asunder—by Nintendo with their NES. Then, later, in the early ’90s, Sega, apparently suffering from some kind of economic amnesia, exploded onto the scene with the Genesis, a console that was pretty sweet if you liked crappy sports games and other stuff that sucks.

Before I continue to evaluate Sega’s dismal console, let me begin by saying that the Genesis was its best selling platform. I know this because when I was growing up, there was one night after which suddenly, half of my friends owned a Genesis. Coupled with the fact that to this day I’ve only ever seen ONE master system in person, this is proof that Sega’s bread was the Genesis, and its vast array of crappy software was the butter. When combined, they formed a very bland piece of toast that nobody with half a brain wanted to eat.

During the “system wars,” anyone who wasn’t blind knew that Sega was sucking Nintendo’s hind tit. Sega, however, wanted you, the consumer, to believe that they were the kings of the console world. Nintendo had the better titles at launch, but once they hit the shelves, Sega was in full swing with a host of arcade “classics” that weren’t really that fun.

Also, Sega took advantage of Nintendo’s one flaw: their processor wasn’t capable of kicking out the jams. Sega’s machine was faster and they knew it. In order to rub it in Nintendo’s face, they created Sonic the Hedgehog solely as a slap in the face. That’s right. Sega’s only memorable character was forged out of nerdy spite. Quite a backbone, Sega.

Nintendo, not to be outdone, gave Sega the middle finger by stating that their processor was slower, yes, but they could “trick it” into kicking out speeds that “appeared faster.” And that they did. Nintendo put out one of the most criminally underrated games of all time: Uniracers. Yes, this game was simple; it was about a planet inhabited solely by sentient unicycles that just loved to race. In it, the last boss had the ability to slow down the action to varying degrees. Plain old “slow” is called “slow motion.” Excruciatingly slow is called “hedgehog speed.” No joke.

The fact is, apart from Nintendo getting the last laugh in this situation, they got the last laugh in the only situation that mattered: games. When one is asked to name the “must have” Sega games, Sonic is basically the only one that comes to mind for the casual gamer. To those well-versed in the era, a handful more. Games like Altered Beast, Golden Axe and the like are alright—but they don’t make the system a must-buy. Only four games on Genesis were ever worth their salt—Sonic, Comix Zone, Ecco and Splatterhouse 2. Apart from being Genesis exclusives, these games have one other unifying theme: Super Metroid is better than all of them combined. So is Final Fantasy III. So is Chrono Trigger. So is Earthbound. You get the picture.

Boring colors, a boring proprietary soundbank and genuinely boring games all add up to a supremely boring system. Sega has gone on to further the boring, and now makes really boring games for Nintendo. Case closed.