Dear Tree of Knowledge,
My roommate always brings her boyfriend to our dorm. I am getting really frustrated with this and I don’t know how to tell her because she is my friend. What should I do?
—Dormie in Distress

Dear Dormie,
This is a complex issue because it involves friendship. Friends have a lot of benefits: making you look popular, buying you things and bailing you out of jail when your parents won’t. Thus we come to see that your roommate’s friendship should be your top priority.

Basically, you are going to have to suck it up on this one, unless his being there hinders your studies. Studies in school supposedly lead to jobs and that means money, which can also make you look popular, buy you things and bail you out of jail when your parents won’t. You may think this is a toss-up, but remember that while a friend can give you comfort, money will never spill cranberry juice on your favorite blouse it didn’t ask to borrow.

Some ways you can determine whether Mr. Boyfriend is hindering your school experience:

1. There is an implied off-limits time during evening hours in the dorm, which incidentally is where you like to do all of your sleeping. Thus, you can’t stay awake during your classes and are left tired and confused.
2. Mr. Boyfriend accidentally sits on your laptop. He weighs 200 pounds and now you have to use the computers at the PSU library, which has unaccommodating weekend hours.
3. The recurring motif of Mr. Boyfriend’s stupid face consumes your thoughts during lectures. Your ability to learn is hampered by this anxiety.

I am sorry to say that if any of these are the case, you are going to have to take a series of measures. You probably don’t have a significant other of your own—your prickly question can attest to that—so force a friend to engage in a pseudo-relationship with you and claim the dorm to yourselves as often as possible. That will get rid of Mr. Boyfriend, at least temporarily. If your roommate isn’t complaining at this point, have your pseudo-boyfriend leave smelly socks all over the dorm. When she begins complaining, come to the negotiation that if your boyfriend is not allowed to come over then neither is hers. Take it a step further by arguing that if you break up with your boyfriend, she should too. If all else fails, you could talk to your roommate in a mature and respectful way about your feelings... er, something like that.

But if Mr. Boyfriend is not hindering your school processes, Ms. Dormie, you will not be justified in getting rid of him. All the better. I assure you there are great reimbursements as a result. He might have friends! Although, be prepared if he doesn’t. What if he cooks? That would be swell. I know he talks, but as long as you’re equipped with an iPod, you’ll be fine. I promise minimal contact with his tasteless jokes will not make you stupider (unless he quotes Mad TV).

My thoughts are with you.