Summer already? Soon it’ll be time to chuck those clunky art and bio textbooks for Jonathan Safran Foer’s new tome, chase down the elusive ice cream truck, and silently envy the kids young enough to scream in the fountain at Waterfront Park. Summer in Portland is infinitely preferable to Portland in winter, but those sticky, hot days are gonna get to you, and when that happens, duck inside for a big-ass cinematic spectacle. The movies might suck, but it’s not like you have air conditioning.

Splice (June 4)
The latest Internet sci-fi/horror phenom stars Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley as researchers tampering with human and animal DNA. Turns out superscience can be a bitch, and their new creature starts hungering for human flesh. To quote another fictional scientist, they pissed in God’s eye, and he blinked. Yikes.

The Room (June 18)
If you see one film this summer—or ever—make it The Room, a tremendously awful-awesome midnight movie sensation. Cinema 21 movie-goers shout back at the screen, throw plastic spoons, and dress in tuxedo t-shirts en homage to this schlock fest. The film’s director Tommy Wiseau will be in attendance for two June 18th screenings. You may want to buy him a beer and ask him what the hell he was thinking.

Jonah Hex (June 18)
When all those studio heads signed their contracts with Satan, they should’ve read the fine print, as they are all now required to place Megan Fox in one summer blockbuster per year. The upside is that Josh Brolin’s there to kick ass as a superhero/Christ figure in the old west, and there are no giant mechanical spiders in sight, just Michael “Scotch in Plain Water” Fassbender.

I Am Love (June 18)
Missing the cinematography of Pan’s Labyrinth? Don’t want to shell out the bucks for Joel Schumacher’s filmic abortion Twelve? Try I Am Love, a drama starring Tilda Swinton as the matriarch of a dysfunctional Italian family. The film opened this year’s Portland International Film Festival and features some of the most haunting imagery since A Single Man.

Twilight Saga: Eclipse (June 30)
If you’re looking for laughs, there really is no better bang for your buck than a Twilight film. The third installment in this wannabe romantic epic is directed by David Slade, vampire movie veteran of 30 Days of Night, and he seems to be in on the joke that Edward and Bella are cardboard cutouts. Midnight screenings at Pioneer Place are guaranteed sneaky-booze fests, and a game of Twi-hard Bingo is always entertaining. Bonus points if you catch a fan wearing KStew’s jacket and body glitter.

Predators (July 9)
Robert Rodriguez’s reboot of the franchise is the second science fiction feature to star Adrien Brody this summer, but it one-ups Splice with a base script by “They Call Him Machete” Rodriguez himself. It’s basically The Most Dangerous Game with aliens and Topher Grace. It’s also your best bet for a snarky popcorn flick.

Salt (July 23)
This spy-action movie bills as an Angelina Jolie film, but it’s really all about Arthur Kade. For the blissfully ignorant, Kade is a Hollywood douche bag who chronicled his experience as an extra on Salt in his blog, during which he referred to Jolie as “mother hot,” rather than “stripper hot, and I would probably rate her an 8.5-9 on my looks scale.” Only time will tell if Kade’s evaluation is correct, but I’d rate this film an 8 on my must-see August Diehl scale.

I Love You Phillip Morris (July 30)
Though it’s based on a true story, the real Steven Russell probably didn’t chew the scenery like his filmic doppelganger Jim Carrey does. The movie follows a con man in love with the titular man (Ewan McGregor) and the extravagant ways in which he manipulates people in order to spring his lover from the joint. It’ll either be the sweetest gay convict film ever made or the most offensive.

Breathless (August)
Cinema 21, home of The Room and The Human Centipede, has a 50th anniversary, restored print of Jean-Luc Godard’s film on the way and, man, is it going to be beautiful. Jean-Paul Belmondo plays a petty criminal on the run in this French new wave classic like a popsicle on a hot day. You’ll finally see what Youth in Revolt’s Sheeni Saunders was on about.