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June 19, 2010 …
It’s a good year to be Jay Leno. Having once again secured the hosting duties for “The Tonight Show” last March, and now signed on to replace Oprah Winfrey next year, the comedian is on a roll, with no plans of stopping. First on his list is replacing Simon Cowell as the mean British judge on “American Idol.” Furthermore, he plans on winning the competition, as no one in America is willing to go up against him at this point. In addition, Leno has set his sights on taking over the now-defunct “Lost” franchise, has been cast as the newest “Ice Road Trucker,” and will appear on “Dancing with the Stars” with dancing partner Jay Leno…

August 30, 2010 …
Coming off one of their most disappointing seasons in recent memory, The Portland Trailblazers have cut injury-prone Greg Oden from the team. In a press conference today, Coach McMillan announced that they had signed Greg Oden’s massive penis as starting center for next season. Here’s hoping the penis doesn’t have bad knees…

November 28, 2012 …
With statewide unemployment rates approaching 15%, voters in the state of Oregon have passed a special ballot initiative which proposes to create upwards of 5,000 jobs. Similar to the legislation which makes it illegal to pump your own gas, a measure which created thousands of jobs for otherwise unemployable people, it is now illegal for men to masturbate their own penises. The line of applicants for these newly created, government-sponsored “Masturbateur” positions has overwhelmed downtown Portland, with unemployed former mayor Sam Adams at the front of the pack, vying for the coveted post as Greg Oden’s assistant…

January 05, 2033 …
The number of hybrid and fully electric vehicles on American roads approaches 70%, hugely taxing the nation’s electricity output capabilities and causing rolling blackouts on both coasts. In an effort to relieve some of the stress on the electrical infrastructure, scientists from the Bertram Institute today unveiled their new line of car batteries which run on a mixture of gasoline, coal, and beef. Legislators have awarded the institute with a multi-billion dollar grant, praising them for “ushering in a more progressive energy future”…

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These are news that I have not heard from anywhere but hear and it is nice to know that we will be having like these on the radio.

Friday 09 April 2010, 16:29

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