Advice on learning to live with roommates.

Q: I don’t have any siblings, and I’ve never lived with anyone before. How can I find a roommate I’ll get along with?

A: I feel your pain, human. How I long to live the solitary life of my fore-bears (get it? It’s a bear pun), hunting alone on the vast ice, making the occasional booty-call, never any strings attached because there’s nothing to attach them to. Sadly, there just isn’t enough room for everyone anymore. In the Arctic, though, it’s less of an overpopulation problem and more of a “there’s nowhere to stand” problem. Much of my natural territory is melting away, and we bears are being crowded together on tiny patches of ice in a case of shrinkage which is not as funny as Seinfeld would have you believe. With starvation the only real option (as is the case in many parts of the world), many of us are moving to America to get an education. I recently made the unfortunate, but necessary switch from living the solitary life of an apex predator to co-habitating with human roommates. It was a big adjustment (mostly for Chad and Darren), but we made it work, and so can you. In fact, unlike most bears, polar bears aren't territorial, and make excellent roomies if you’re willing to sacrifice a few things.

Okay, so firstly, respect the bulk. Many people have problems with roommates eating their food, as they assume that since they bought it, they should be the ones to eat it. This just isn’t how it works, people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat motionless, for hours on end, still-hunting on the ice by a ringed seal’s re-surfacing hole, waiting for him to pop up. It’s like the least engaging “Whack-A-Mole” game ever, but it’s the only game we’ve got in the Arctic, and it’s still twice as fun as Soccer and Monopoly combined. Anyway, once I actually do manage to snag one of those bastards as it comes up for air, you think I get to keep it? Bears can smell a seal breathing from a mile away, and can hear a seal’s skull getting crushed by jaws from even farther. Do you know how many bears are packed into a square mile of ice nowadays? Imagine living in Tokyo and having the only piece of yellowfin tuna sashimi, except the Japanese are like twenty times their normal size and a tenth as polite. So if you want to eat something, eat fast. Otherwise it’s fair game. Just because you wrote your name on your Red Lobster leftovers from like three days ago doesn’t mean they’re yours forever. Chad.

But whether or not you’re the most dominant roommate, you still have to bring something to the table. I don’t just devour the household food supply, I also eat garbage. Plastic, Styrofoam, car batteries, whatever. I keep the place pretty spotless. I’m also the go-to guy for any home invasion problems, and I was the dog-walker until it disappeared mysteriously. I don’t hog (or ever use) the shower, I can’t operate the T.V., and, unlike the classrooms on this campus, I like to keep the heat (and bills) nice and low. So consider a polar bear for your next roommate, because we’re open communicators and we won’t masturbate with your laptop. Just stay away from the place around mating season. Shit gets pretty crazy.