Okay...

Scorpio
A man named Sting once said, “If you love somebody, set them free.” Yeah, you could do that, but then what’s the point of having that dungeon in your basement? Talk about a waste. You’re not thinking green, Sting. Why don’t you leave the advice to us pros?

Sagittarius
The only way to beat a bad economy is with a little ingenuity. Here’s a good pocket stuffer: you should invent really big trashcans so that garbage men won’t get confused when you’re trying to throw away your old trashcans. You can have that one for free, but the next one is gonna cost you.

Capricorn
Would you explain third world countries to me? Like what’s the deal with Somalia? Pirates were so 2006. They’re three years late, and they’re taking it way too far. Just wait for those unhip bastards to catch on to the vampire fad. Or zombies! Sweet Jesus, we’re all in for a world of hurt.

Aquarius
It’s good to contemplate now and then, but don’t go overboard. Think about Nietzsche. You can’t help but feel bad for the guy. God is dead? Geez. The man must have had a rough childhood. My parents were much nicer. They told me that God was just sleeping.

Pisces
Guess what, Pisces! All the planets have aligned into a giant smiley face, and they’re winking at you! You are indestructible. For real, go sit in a campfire, or tackle a train, or anything dangerous really, I promise you’ll be fine. (Please, God, let this work.)

Aries
Embrace your spiritual side this month, because sometimes science is a bummer. How come eyebrow hairs don’t keep growing like head hair? Sure, this would prove hugely disadvantageous to our species, but wouldn’t it be hilarious?! It’s too bad that Darwin guy had to invent evolution. Lame.

Taurus
Interplanetary grindage is stirring some sort of rebellious brew in your soul this month. Don’t take anything at face value, question authority, engage aggressively in minor social situations. I’ll get the ball rolling. Doesn’t “troubleshooting” seem like a dangerous way to solve a problem? Yeah, chew on that.

Gemini
It’s time to face the facts: the world is not an easy place. Por ejemplo, the emergency exit on a standard Tri-met bus is on the ceiling, and it’s tiny! Beneficial for spider-people, maybe, but even putting gravity issues aside, no cheese-eating American is gonna squeeze through that thing. And, it’s in the back of the bus! Racist.

Cancer
This is a good week to reflect a bit. Isn’t it funny how things change? Like, think about how people used to sound in recordings from the 1920’s, all nasally and tinny. Do you think they were smaller back then? Or had black guys not made deep voices cool yet?

Leo
Yeah, your in college. Big deal. Getting a degree doesn’t make you any smarter than anyone else. You just become snootier, and I can prove it. Did it irk you that I wrote “your” instead of “you’re” in the first sentence? Admit it, you thought I was stupid just then. Look, finding typos doesn’t make you smart, nor does it make for good conversation. Oh, and if you didn’t notice the error, well, your probably an idiot.

Virgo
Gender disparity got you down? Try thinking about traffic cones. It’s hard to tell if they look more like boobs or dicks, which is why they should be used as sexual imagery in literature more often, just to make sure nobody feels marginalized. You’re welcome.

Libra
Speaking of gender, if gender is a social construct, then how come there are only two of them? What underwhelming creativity. I’m disappointed, humanity. Libras and Libros, your task for the month is to come up with more interesting options than “man” and “woman.” Do it for the kids. Your kids, not my kids. You stay away from my kids.