I've been watching a lot of shitty sports movies for children lately, but this one tops them all. Enter: Rookie of the Year, a touching story about a boy (Henry) who sucks exceptionally hard at baseball but gets to be a pitcher in the major leagues after a freak accident.

Now see, shows about kids and freak accidents are pretty common, but most freak accidents leave the kid with some kind of superpower. An example of this would be Larisa Oleynik in Alex Mack. However, she got to turn into a puddle of liquid metal and all sorts of other assorted rad shit. In Rookie of the Year, the kid injures himself, enjoys a montage'd six-month period of cast ownership and still isn't the fastest pitcher in the league. In fact, he tops out at 98 mph, slower than pitchers before and after him (Nolan Ryan, 100.9mph and Joel Zumaya at 105mph).

What kind of shitty fucking fantasy world is this director living in where he can't grant this kid some spectacular arm cannon? Is the lesson to be learned here that if something affects you for the greater, you wind up being mediocre to a point? Is the kid's REAL superpower the privilege of pitching for the Chicago Cubs at eleven years old? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I suppose that Henry's medically inaccurate journey is somewhat touching because he learns his dad was some deadbeat butthole that his mother hyperinflated so he would have someone to look up to. Lying to your kids is always something a child can truly appreciate. Near the end of the film, Henry injures himself in the exact way that he did before, which causes his tendons to DETATCH themselves from his humerus. Now, I'm no orthopedic surgeon, but something tells me that if his tendons suddenly ripped from his arm bone, Henry would be in a lot of pain, yeah? Well, he isn't. But I digress. After learning that his “superpower” is in remission, the tape on which his father's name is written comes loose from the inside of his antique baseball mitt, revealing his mother's name; apparently she was actually the great pitcher that Henry had grown up idolizing. His world shattered, he smiles and throws the pitch that gives the Cubs their first play-off victory in years. He then retires because he'd rather ride in a shitty boat with his friends.

Rookie of the Year probably shouldn't have been made, and if it really had to be, it shouldn't have been directed by Joe Pesci's goofy sidekick in Home Alone, and it sure as hell shouldn't have had him in it, playing the absolute most pointless character in this or any other movie (and believe me, there are a lot).

However, if you're in the mood to see John Candy in one of his lesser-known roles or to see a grown-assed man exclaim “funky butt loving” in a PG movie, look no further than Rookie of the Year. If not, watch literally any other movie instead.