|
|
| SEXXX advice |
 This started out as an exposé about sex in Portland. I wanted to do a how-to piece about how to get you all laid (not that you need help), because I was convinced that that’s all anyone really wants, that 90% of all social interaction happens with the ultimate intent of a sexual encounter—or two. I set out amongst Portland’s sexiest love cats to find out what really scratches their bellies, and what’s just another trip to the vet. I asked them a holy trinity of journalistic interrogatories: What turns you on? What turns you off? What’s the secret to great sex? I only wanted one-word answers. Some felt that this wouldn’t suffice, that they couldn’t express their preferences in just one word, but honestly, I don’t care about how last week you got peed on, or that time you passed out mid-orgasm, or how that one guy tried to get you to clamp his nipples. I wanted to talk to a horny array of people with varying sexual appetites, so I hit a Goth club figuring they’d have valuable, leather-clad insight. This is what I found out: my new Goth friends are into candle wax, ass play, back scratching, role play, beatings, and dirty talk. They don’t like arrogance, fearfulness, bad manners, rim jobs, soft music, bad attitudes, or lies. Then I headed to a strip club to see what prurient words of wisdom professional strippers could offer me. My stripper ladies like a little aggression, asses, legs, kissing, and nasty mouths. They won’t take their clothes off for: negativity, lack of confidence, perverts, bad butts, arrogance, bad manners, or pain. As you can see, different practices turn different people on. There seems to be no pattern there. Some people listed pain as a turn on, others as a turn off. Likewise with anal activity. Tendencies like arrogance, self-centeredness and rudeness seem to turn people off across the board. Bad manners appeared over and over on this list, so remember to say “please” and “thank you,” but maybe not during the act as that could get weird. Or not; I’m sure some people are into that. And as far as the secret to great sex? The top three answers were: communication, love, and connection. (Good luck trying to lock that down at the bar.) Not one person told me that the secret to great sex was finding the clitoris, or a good blowjob, or hair-pulling or heavy panting or what have you. Every single answer to this question—seriously, every single one—had an emotional basis. No carnal, freaky shit here; just good old-fashioned love and affection. So maybe I was wrong. Maybe humans aren’t only trying to hump each other all the time. Maybe they’re looking for romance, for love, and for meaningful, valuable connections with other human beings. Don’t fret; I don’t think this lessens the value and intrigue of a good one-night stand. Just make sure to bring your confidence, candle wax and dirty talk and leave your bad attitude at the door.  |
Comments