As I was sitting in the Rearguard office planning this immaculate issue, wearing nothing but boxer shorts and sweating like a cat in a Korean restaurant, it occurred to me that most of the rooms on this campus are unnecessarily hot.

-Nicholas Kula

“Why is it so hot in this room ALL THE TIME?” inquired Greta Swanson, who teaches a math course in Shattuck Hall's room 242. “It's like it's a furnace in here!”

Indeed, that day in Shattuck 242, the temperature read 77 degrees. Days prior, it had read 76.

Outcries such as these are not uncommon around campus, where temperatures are steadily rising. Is it a coincidence that the readouts of the thermostats on the walls in our classrooms have crept higher as the month runs long? Do you like sweating even more than you should be as your professors dole out exams? Why are things this way? Moreover, why is it so goddamned hot on campus, everywhere, all the time?

Portland State's campus is flooded with signs that remind us all to “Go green.” Hot Lips pizza has a third bin, in addition to the oft-seen receptacles usually reserved for recycling and general refuse, for one purpose: to collect scraps of food for compost. Recycling bins are placed all around campus and are generally filled to the point of bursting. There are some students who won't hesitate to verbally pile drive you if they see you tossing an aluminum can into a “general purpose” garbage can. Food For Thought, a sustainable independently-run restaurant in the basement of Smith is typically full of green-minded students.

That said, why is Portland State spending so much of its money trying to roast the student body?

With all of this greenwashing business spreading across campus, a student must wonder why they need to constantly shift between three different layers of clothing while making their way through one building to the next. Why should we have to remove every extraneous article of clothing every time we sit down in a desk? Why do we have open windows in late November? Why in God's name are students still wearing shorts to class? Why is it 78 degrees in the basement of the Millar Library?

Every year, there is talk of raising tuition. Money charged to students to pay for doctors and dentists, along with lights, running water, heat, and all that other business. Well, the question I posit before you is this: why is tuition going up to pay for heat they don't want? Why are we giving PSU money to make us sweat?

I set out to discover the answer.

In Shattuck 242, students openly complained about the temperature indoors. This was repeated all over campus. Millar library. The Urban Center. The Food Court.

First off for the investigation: inspecting the thermostats on campus. Some were ripped out of the wall, leaving a bevy of bare wires in their places. The highest recorded temperature on campus was 78 degrees in the basement of the library. It's 78 degrees in a large room that's buried underground. Something had to be done. Someone had to be spoken with. Someone needed to atone for this ridiculous climate.

After asking around in both the Market Center and the Facilities offices, I received two names that might lead me to the information I needed. Mark Fujii was the man to speak to about the campus heating loop, but he was a tricky man to get hold of. However, the more accessible person was the woman who was in charge of the school's utility bills. Her name is Avis.

Avis, aside from having the biggest desktop icons this reporter has ever seen, has a sweet disposition; much sweeter than I would expect from someone whose job it is to swim in paperwork all day. She offered stacks of graphs and monolithic piles of bills dating back to 2007. She informed me of the school's contract with NW Natural. PSU estimates the amount of gas needed, and if the school goes over, or under, the projected amount, it gets fined.

When she confirmed this she seemed to stutter for a second – a slight hesitation. So it was true. PSU does not have the option to conserve natural gas. PSU gets fined if they spend less than their predicted amount of gas.

Silently, I high-fived myself as a journalist, but the actual human being inside of me kind of frowned and sighed. NW Natural has my school locked into a contract where, at the danger of getting fined, we are forced to overheat our student body and faculty. What about all the banners around school – the ones asking me to recycle my cans and compost my table scraps? On the way outside the facilities office, looking up to the sky bridge, I saw another one of those banners.

Go Green? You first, PSU.

So the chief gave me an assignment: Find out why it is so damn hot on campus. I wondered, why me? It’s not as if I’m especially adept in dealing with such things as “facts” and “journalistic integrity.” I’m a wildcard, a cannon looser than the hinges on James Gandolfini’s refrigerator door. So the fact that he chose me over the other, much better writers we employ led me to but one conclusion… I was the only one he could trust. I reasoned that behind the sweat-inducing, tongue-chapping sensation of pure heat one feels upon entering any given classroom on campus, there must surely be some vast conspiracy. And since I believe myself to be a reasonable man, I knew I was right. Clearly, the true story behind the University’s energy policy runs deeper than a hole to China. And like a blind judge at an ass-shaking contest, I was determined to grope the bottom.

So I hit the ground running like a guy who loves running and hates ground. If my metaphors were weak, it’s only because my drive for the truth was so strong. But there were roadblocks everywhere. Even where there weren’t roads. This is going to be harder than I thought, I thought. For every lead I followed, I found twice as many confused responses. I vividly remember the encounter I had with a woman from Facilities named Avis Bertoli who requested to remain anonymous. Said request was not granted. It went down like this:

Avis Bertoli: “Hi, what can I help you wit---”
Adam Barber: “DAMMIT, WOMAN! I NEED ANSWERS!”
AB: “Umm… so what can I---”
AB: “The heat. HOT HEAT! What’s the deal? RESPOND!”
AB: “…”AB: “RESPOND BETTER!”
AB: “Uh, so are you talking about the campus energy usage? Are you with that other guy?”
AB: “There’s another guy?”
AB: “Yeah, the guy with the beard who was just in here asking questions about the University’s energy policy. Said he was writing an article…”

But I had already fled the scene. Someone was on to me, and he was close. So close that he knew everything I was going to do, and did it first. I had no time to waste, not even on coming up with a better way to differentiate between the two parties in the above interview. I went to the administrative offices, to the sustainability center, and even to the king of the custodians, but the bearded guy had been there first. This guy was good.

Luckily I was better. Outside the Stott Center, I found a source disguised as a homeless man. He would only speak on conditions of strict anonymity, asking to be called Mr. X. Because he looked like a smaller, skinnier, uglier Vin Diesel, I suggested XXX. We compromised. Between puffs of an imaginary cigarette, Mr. XX leaned in close, dropping a barrage of fact-bombs that would blow this case open wider than mach-five cleavage. “The wrestling room,” he said. “It’s the only place on campus where they can control their own heat.” So the wrestling team was behind everything. It made perfect sense. With a little help from Google, I managed to piece together the truth. Here’s how it plays out:

Due to their lacking academic and competitive edge, the wrestling program was axed last year, and the team relegated to the dreaded “club sport” status. But they still had their wrestling room, and control of their own heat. Through some devious effect of wizardry, they have been steadily increasing the heat in campus class rooms to render the rest of the student body sluggish and somnolent, whilst they have been rigorously conditioning themselves to stand the heat. Their plan was to turn us into mindless drones, unable to stop their coup. They were planning to hold the University hostage until their program was reinstated. But they didn’t count on one thing: me, baby. Case solved.

So I killed Mr. XX, as per the strictness of his anonymity clause, and buried the body in an unmarked grave on campus. I think his family would understand. As for me, I’m going into hiding for a little while. I want to be long gone when this story leaks. Because that bearded guy is still out there, and he isn’t going to be happy that I beat him. So the chief gave me an assignment: Find out why it is so damn hot on campus. I wondered,

Comments

Jharkhand29

0

 

 

There have been plenty of days when it would warm or hot for me yet everyone else feels fine. I thought I was the only one going through this problem, so it's comforting to know others are too. I guess some people are more aware of their environment as opposed to being self-absorbed 24/7. It's not just the room temperature that bugs me but there's also the issue of coldness in the worst places (the Shattuck Hall). I know, it's an irony, isn't it? I had my Anthropology 372 class with the biggest, condescending asshole I've come across in that building last summer. The temperature was so cold I would fall asleep despite outside being warm. Even opening the windows didn't make matters easier. I just assumed that was Shattuck Hall...didn't know it applied to more than one building. I gotta say something else, though. In addition to the unusual room temperature the chairs certain buildings are crap. They're outdated and must be replaced with cushioned office chairs that have pockets for snacks.

Sunday 07 February 2010, 08:29

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