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| Summer Movies in a Nutshell |
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Now that summer is upon us once again, the time has come for Hollywood to unleash the fun crap that accompanies it. Every summer, Hollywood lets loose movies thin on plot, heavy on Michael-Bay-inspired explosions and featuring lots of unnecessary skin. The worst movies of the year are released at this time of year, with the possible exception of the winter torture-porn horror film extravaganza that runs around Valentine’s Day. How many of these special effects infomercials were you planning to see? There’s a lot to choose from, so I have taken it upon myself to break down the films into the three categories to choose from this summer: the Franchise-Rehashing, the Childhood-Raping and the Stupefying Comedy. Understanding the choices makes it easier to make an informed decision, and there’s nothing that makes me happier than making an informed decision. Hopefully, these preemptive movie reviews will be enlightening. Franchise-Rehashing The two films that will dominate this genre of the box office are the new Star Trek and Terminator films. Keep in mind that these movies came out in May as the kickoff for the summer film season. In an age where Hollywood has run out of ideas for entirely new summer movies, the old standby is to raid the vault and make sequels to movies that have made a shit-ton of money in years past. What do these movies have in common? Civilization is threatened by machines in one film, while in the other, civilization is threatened by machine-like acting. Don’t kid yourself here: if you like the previous movies in these franchises, then you probably won’t be disappointed. If you seek a more cerebral film experience, then look elsewhere. Oh, sure, each movie promises deep philosophical debate on the nature of emotions and humanity, but in the end you just want to see Captain Kirk get it on with the green-skinned girl. Childhood-Raping This summer, Hollywood has met its quota for this category with two films: G.I. Joe of all fucking things and the latest Transformers travesty. One movie features hip-hop-dancing giant robots (I wish I was joking) and the other is basically a Matrix ripoff, where physics are ignored and one-liners spun in truly horrific fashion. There won’t be any attempts at intelligent discourse in these gems; just plenty of half-naked Megan Fox running around screaming like a rabbit on the chopping block. Stupefying Comedy Maybe you need a few laughs this summer to take your mind off your dwindling unemployment checks and imminent return to class or the bread lines. If that’s the case, then two utter crap-fests are sure to please: Night at the Museum 2 and Year One. If either Ben Stiller or Jack Black are your cup of tea, then this is the summer for you. Night at the Museum 2 is already in theaters, and the Jack Black flick is coming out soon. What do these movies have in common? Bad acting, a liberal use of fart jokes, misappropriated pop-culture references and, my personal favorite, half-naked Egyptians. If a movie has scantily-clad Egyptians in it, it can’t be all that bad. So, to quote G.I. Joe, now you know. And knowing is half the battle. So go see a movie armed with this information or, better yet, rent something else that you know doesn’t suck. Or read a book, or hit the bong or anything that doesn’t involve going to see G.I. Joe. For the love of God...  |
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