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One of my least favorite things to do is BURN ALIVE. Yet it’s how I feel every summer in Portland, and I continue to champion this city.
It’s almost as if I forget that three months out of the year are absolutely agonizing. Winter is another shining example of this, but people drive better (though that is questionable) in the summer. Thanks to all kinds of different magazines, Portland is seen as some kind of foodie Mecca. Since we also have the “perfect climate” for all kinds of other crap (wine, roses, et al.), tourists of all shapes and sizes love to mosey on down and gum up all the streets that aren’t crippled by construction. Since summer is also the season that Portlanders are least guaranteed to get rained upon, you’ll find a lot of them in goofy clothes out mucking up the city streets. Greshamites will flock to our “buildin’s” to snap photos for their new MySpace accounts. The streets are inundated with pedestrians—some new, some visiting—taking pictures of funny homeless signs, and because of the new Green Line MAX, this kind of slack-jawed, dough-eyed local tourist business can only get worse. To that end, the homeless people are now out in full force, trying to eke their way through the sweltering summer by peddling magazines or being rather aggressive. Street kids have crappy kiosks set up all over downtown hawking abhorrent trinkets made out of shit they found in some abandoned industrial park. When all three of these factors converge, the results are devastating for the average Portlander’s sanity. Have you even TRIED driving downtown during the summer? It’s almost as if people literally forget how to drive. The city streets are filled with rage as locals attempt to swerve around non-locals who are trying to turn the wrong way down a one-way street. The dumb tourist has to avoid flocks of Saturday Market pedestrians, and the swerving anger-riddled Portlander has to do the same immediately after passing them. Working retail this summer? That blows. I realize we’re in some sort of recession, but if you’ve looked around, you’ll note that people have no problem spending money. This summer will prove to be no different. If you’ve just locked up a super-sweet temp position in retail, prepare to be hammered. Haven’t locked up a super-sweet temp position in retail? Prepare to stand in agonizing lines when you try to spend your money. Portland’s influx of traffic from the east also causes another problem. If you ever want to actually leave the city for any reason, expect to wait for HOURS on the freeway between people blaring Shania Twain records from their Outrageous Audio stereos. The searing heat in full effect on the highway combined with the snail’s pace you’ll be traveling at—for hours, mind you—will likely cause you to employ a move used by Michael Douglas’ character in Falling Down. To summarize, after a long hot car ride on the freeway, he decides to get crazy and blow a bunch of shit up, only to be shot to death by a police officer. That could really ruin your summer. Of course, summer is awesome for a couple reasons, like BBQs and passing out on your lawn, drunk, at 2:30 in the afternoon. Alas, though, you’ll be kept up into all hours of the night by drunken goobers next door swordfighting with flaming citronella torches while their oogy tattooed hipster girlfriends glare at the slip and slide with their hilariously oversized sunglasses and their arms crossed. The age of the tourist is coming. Be prepared. Don’t go outside.  |
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