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| The Rearguard Speaks! |
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Hello there Rearguardians! The excitement of spring is upon us all, and the Rearguard hopes that you’re all beholding the beauty of rebirth! Or maybe you’re all just suffering the tragedy of nice weather right before finals. As if it wasn’t hard enough to concentrate, right? Now you still gotta pass all your classes, otherwise financial aid will tell you to fuck off and you’ll have to find a real job, which is a joke, since there aren’t any real jobs left. The good-looking people already took all the customer service jobs, and all the smart people have all the IT jobs. So really you’d have to move back home to New Jersey, or Minnesota, or whatever shitty place you left to come here. If you’re local, you can move back to the suburb from whence you came (where the rent is cheap, and Costco might still be hiring cart returners), or if your parents live in an actual Portland neighborhood, you can stay in their basement and go back to exhaling your pot smoke through paper towel tubes stuffed with dryer sheets. If a little nice weather isn’t going to kill any chance you may have had at a normal, successful life, then congrats! We all look forward to working for you in the future! Please don’t fire us when we’re late, and can we have a raise? Moving on.... We have a pretty sweet issue laid out this month, full of excitement, and even some danger. Brett risked gastrointestinal destruction to give you the skinny on the more mobile food options on campus. Anthony simultaneously risked dying of boredom (combing through the Frohnmeyer report) and a severe case of depression (trying to figure out good reasons for PSU students to vote in the upcoming elections). Nick Kula put his ass on the line when he went deep cover to explore the nefarious underworld of CFF, Portland’s only pinball gang. No fooling, these dudes are tougher than you think—imagine the finger strength of these people. Not to be outdone, brand new ace reporter Rett Mutchler deals with Bothan spies and risks a short life ended in a shallow grave by talking shit about America’s favorite export—Monsanto. And finally, PSU’s favorite comedian, Adam Barber, got enough hate mail last month to earn him his own section in the back... and upside down. If you get easily offended, if may be wise to avoid it. But if you like your pop culture on a skewer and well done, then by all means, flip this baby over and have a look. Double-finally it should be mentioned that all good things must come to an end, and the end is finally nigh for editor in chief Isaac Mayo. Only a few more issues before he is crapped out into the toilet of obscurity, so if you think you can do better, feel free to apply for the job. It has actual responsibility involved, but it does pay enough to cover a very modest* coke habit. Thank you very much, and as always: you’re not Chevy Chase, and neither are we. *Weekends only. If you’re not sharing.  |
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