As a human, you don’t have to know much about food. I know lots of people who don’t try new things and get by just fine.

 But these folks lead boring lives in lines at Subway and Sbarro and they need to push their culinary boundaries a little. Pho <'fuh'> is a safe thing to try, even for the culinary sissy. It’s beef soup with rice noodles and steak in it. You can opt to garnish it with bean sprouts, basil and peppers. That’s pretty much it, so put your calculator and camera phone down and pick up a spoon for this guided tour of downtown Portland’s ph? king destinations.

Thanh Long Bakery is where we’ll start. They’re the closest to PSU, and have high marks in my book in certain areas. For example, they have a very aloof staff which is just how I like ‘em. They seat everyone on one side of the restaurant; around the corner from what should be the main dining area. It’s like they don’t want to be bothered by the presence of their customers. Then they crank up the music to the “just-above-ambient” setting. If you have any special needs besides the preliminary order, well, you’re in for a small walk.

One greivous sin they commit is not having items that are on the menu. I can accept: “we’ve discontinued it, but are too apathetic to print new menus,” but “we ran out” is incompetence pure and simple.

Their Pho is good, though - actually really good. Their other dishes… not so much. I hear they’re “authentic,” but that’s not necessarily a good thing. I, like the Japanese, have no compunction against taking a culture’s defining forms and improving – I daresay fixing – them. Pottery wasn’t cool until Kyoto got into it, and if Thai food has been Americanized to achieve a higher standard, then I pledge allegiance to the flag. I love my authentic mom, but her stuff isn’t worth 11 bucks a plate. The number one thing I am happy about: Thanh Long Bakery serves beer. If you’re eating soup, you have to fill up on something else, and beer does the trick. Their bean cakes aren’t bad either. (Thanh Long Bakery: 635 SW College St.)

Pho PDX is the next closest to campus for pho. This hole in the wall on 2nd opens up into a mall food court of a place, where you order your pho and get a number like at Carl’s Jr. No beer. Hmm. The place smells like Indian food due to the Hindi outfit hawking vindaloo right out in front. The smell of curries cooking downstairs overpower your soup to the point that you wish you were eating that instead. From the looks on the guys making your food, they seem to wish you were eating curry instead too. I can’t believe I actually read a positive review of this place. This is not the “best ph? in Portland.” Come on people, enough with the lies! Some of us actually care enough not to mislead others into going to our brother’s crappy soup joint. They’re only open for lunch, but you can count yourself lucky for that. (Pho PDX: 827 SW 2nd Ave.)

Speaking of being open, I went to Silk by Pho Van in the Pearl District on Sunday… they were closed; completely closed for the whole day. This happened at Thanh Long Bakery once, too. Now I don’t know about others, but where I come from people have to eat every day. This denial of dining is outrageous. It could be that many south-Asian themed restaurants are operated by folks who believe in the holy day of rest, and that’s fair enough. But at least hire some non-believers to run the kitchen on the weekends – us heathens have gotta eat! The menu here is good all around, but I have to give them an uber-fail for being closed on the one day where the “Pearlites” need a salty liquid meal to repair what they did to their bodies at the martini bars the night before. This good piety is just bad business.

Update: I did manage to go there for happy hour one fine Thursday evening, and I must say it was very enjoyable. Their happy hour food menu is worth checking out, with ample portions and wonderful presentations. Yes, pho is even on the happy hour menu. They have great cocktails and Kirin on tap. Win! (Silk by Pho Van: 1012 NW Glisan St.)

After these travails, I decided it was time for a change of pace. On to Hot Pot City, the place where you pay someone to let you make your own soup! I would say it’s not strange, but it is. Those of you familiar with nabe or shabu-shabu would feel at home with this setup. You pay about 9 dollars and pick a soup base from a short list. Then you go up to the buffet where you pick out sauces, veggies, noodles and meats to boil back at your seat. Each seat has a hot plate where your cauldron of stock boils at a volcanic scale.

It’s cool that you can make as many passes through the buffet as you want; you can just fill your plate with beef and noodles if you want to be crazy about it, like the guys I saw there. Bok choy and broccoli is a good idea too, unless you just have a thing for hemorrhoid removal surgery. It is definitely an “experience” sort of place, and one that’s better the second time as initiations to self-preparing your food can be tough. I still remember the grease fire that started in my abdomen from my first concoction at Chang’s Mongolian Grill. Seriously, it’s just a bad model to let people make their own meals. Often people will walk away thinking your food sucks when it’s really just them. I walked away traumatized but full, and headed straight to the liquor store because they too did not serve beer on premise. Give me a break. Don’t they know how hard my job is? (Hot Pot City: 1975 SW 1st Ave #J)

Pho is spelled with an accented "o" not available in this font.  Forgive my Americanization, but maybe it's better this way. :P