This month: martini makers, bidets, and solar panels

The Waring Pro WM007 Electric Martini Maker is what I want for Christmas. Seriously, if I have to go through another family gift exchange I’ll need to be smashed, or else grandma’s going to get a beat down. I should get this early so I can practice using it before the holidays arrive. Why not shake it yourself, you ask? I don’t want my hands to get cold. It’s that simple. $40

Now, here’s a sleek device for the pack-packer in you: The ShenZhen SY4500 Solar Panel Laptop Charger. Solar chargers have been around for a while, but nothing this clean has been put out until now. It comes with seven different output adapters, from USB 9V to 19V DC. Now you and your disc-golf buddies can destroy the sanctity of the great outdoors with your Hoobastank station on Pandora for an indefinite period of time. Just be careful – all Pandora radio stations ultimately end up playing Coldplay unless strictly monitored, so don’t wander off. (If Coldplay comes on in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound? Yes. And wildlife suffers.) Who knows how much it costs? Nobody. It’s too new!

It’s been a while since the bidet made its debut in popular culture. It was in the late 17th century that some French furniture maker came up with the idea of a mountable taint shower, but it wasn’t until the 60s that we saw the first electronic toilet seats with ass-warmers and bidets built in. For those of you who don’t know what a bidet is, it’s an appliance that generates an upward stream of clean water to your posterior for use after you do your business in the powder closet. The TOTO Portable Washlet brings the bidet to any destination. It also doubles as a horrifying squirt gun to use on whoever passes out first at the company retreat. This battery operated device expels a strong, 30-second continuous stream. Tame the aftermath of spicy ethnic food for only $89.