June 17, 2013

…As California’s dismal economic future reaches a boiling point, more and more citizens are calling for the legalization, regulation, and local manufacture of such black-market goods as marijuana, heroin, prostitutes, babies, and foreign currency. In a surprising turnaround, conservatives statewide seem to be on board. Said State Congressman Les Shweppe on the legalization of marijuana: “Given the financial climate, some concessions must be made if we are to remain a functioning state, and so we’ve all agreed to sign off on the pot legislation, provided that gay people aren’t allowed to smoke it.”…

March 03, 2021

…Following the success of Alabama Public School’s statewide: “Exclusively Abstinent” sex-education program, lobbyists and Congressional leaders, both Left and Right, are heading south to campaign for similar programs in such states as Arkansas, South Carolina, Georgia, and Mississippi. Conservative leaders praise the program for its “return to traditional, Christian values.” Liberal leaders in support of the program tout the national benefits of there being “less rednecks.”…

November 22, 2144

…Following a series of natural disasters in the South Pacific and Indian Oceans, German scientists have determined that the“recent orbital shifting” is caused by the tremendous mass of Americans weighing down on our hemisphere. They state, “More than the millions of lives lost this year to tsunamis and earthquakes, this lopsided rotation threatens to send our Earth careening out of the solar system, killing us all.” The global population is begging citizens of the United States, for the sake of human existence, to “stop being such humgous fat-asses!” However, as very few white people have thus far been killed by the orbital shifts, national media coverage of the events has been practically non-existent…