The question is not where they are, but where they aren’t. Finding babes in Portland is not the problem, they’re everywhere.

Just walk around campus, and you will see them, ready to join your harem. They just need a little enticing. Babes are hardwired to respond to dominance, so leave your tight-pants-awkward-emo-douche-loner routine at home. There is no mystique to being a loner, you just look like someone who has no friends. Babes like a baboon with a troop. Remember Rafiki from “The Lion King?” He didn’t have a troop. He didn’t have babes, either. Not a coincidence.

First, don’t wait to get noticed: head over and start pinching and grabbing every babe you see. Let them know your intentions. And if the target of your affection is with another male, great! Just fight that dude, win, and the babe is yours. The real world is simpler than you realize.

As to where to look, be crafty. They hide in places most baboons dare not tread. You’ll find them in libraries, but here’s the catch: you can’t talk in the library. Instead, sit nearby and beat your chest periodically. When she tries to leave your vicinity, follow her and bite the skin on the back of her neck. Trust me, this works.

There are plenty of them in class, but again, there’s a catch. In a classroom setting, the professor is superior, and as such, the babe probably isn’t paying attention to you. Baboon’s have a quick-fix for this: False mounting. When the babe’s paying attention to the professor, jump up and grab the teacher from behind. Bend him/her over the desk, and just stand there. Your dominance now assured, the babe will surely notice you.

Sometimes they’ll hide in trees. Throw rocks to knock them down, and grab them while they’re still stunned. Score!

You can find them on the corners with cardboard signs. Those babes will go home with you for a sandwich. But watch out because they might steal your car and then you’ll have to take the bus. But, there are babes on the bus. Food for thought. -g