Fake science you can use!

Libra- The scientist in you is itching for an experiment. Why not go hide in the woods and wait for a tree to fall. Did it make a sound? Report your findings: it’s time we settled this.

Scorpio- Keep your eyes peeled for Bigfoot near the end of the month, as the moon will be in retrograde, and Bigfoot totally digs that.

Sagittarius- You will fart in front of someone you really admire in the near future. And they will love you for it. Eat a lot of red meat and course roughage in preparation for this life changing event, and let loose whenever possible. You never know…

Capricorn- Your creative side has a chance to flex its muscle this month. With Patrick Swayze’s passing, now might be a good time to pursue that realistic sequel to Ghost you’ve always dreamed of creating.

Aquarius- As an Aquarius, you’ve always been the best at everything your entire life. Time to really prove your mettle. Embrace vigilance, and kill every other Aquarius you come across. There can be only one.

Pisces- Why don’t you just go fucking die already, Pisces? No one likes you. For real, kill yourself.

Aries- Uh oh, here comes a Pisces to ruin everyone’s good time. Find a Pisces; punch him/her in his/her nuts, and… I don’t know, you’ll win the lottery or some shit.

Taurus- Venus and Mars are lined up I guess. This is the perfect time for making new acquaintances. Slather your hand with an industrial adhesive, and challenge a Spaniard to a thumb-wrestling match. Hello, new exotic best friend!

Gemini- You have won second prize in a beauty contest! Collect $10 from each player.

Cancer- Despite what you may have thought, being a Cancer is not a cool reason to get a “69” tattoo. Seriously. You’ll just look like a slut.

Leo- The space winds, they are a changin’. This is your month to revel in the status quo. Try throwing glass houses at stones. Score one for the little guy!

Virgo- Time to put your money where your mouth is. Seriously, chew on some money for awhile, get a good coke-buzz going on…There, now isn’t that better? Isn’t everything just awesome? Wow, it really is! God damn! I LOVE READING MY FUCKING HOROSCOPE!