You heard it here first.

December 24, 2012-
…Remarking on yesterday’s discovery that the end of the Mayan calendar foretold not the end of all days but the end of all calendars, President-elect John Boehner called yesterday’s mass calendar disappearance “arresting, but inconsequential.” He assures the populace that, “Despite my inability to prove it, tomorrow is still Christmas.” Elsewhere in the nation, mall kiosks and camera manufacturers fear recession as photographs taken of kittens, bikinis, and wooded glens are at an all time low…

August 17, 2033-
…For the first time in history, a species has gone extinct twice. Only four years after DNA encoding brought the beast back into existence, the Mastodon, or Wooly Mammoth, has again been wiped out. Experts site both the lack of an Ice Age and the fact that Mammoth meat is not only low in fat but high in taste. Researchers at Australia’s Max Plank Institute fear the recently revived and equally delicious Tasmanian tiger may be next…

March 2, 2061-
…In an unprecedented move, President Jayne Turner today rewrote history by sending a nuclear warhead back to the year 1961, wiping the long-forgotten country of Vietnam off the map and reestablishing the United States of America’s once perfect war record. Though hundreds of thousands of small Asian people vanished instantly, the general mood of the day is one of triumph, and many have not stopped chanting “USA! USA!” since the bomb went through the portal…